Loveless Marriage

Oct. 28, 2015

Dear Cathy:

My husband has a high pressured job and we both decided to wait until we were married before engaging in sex.  We dated for 6 months and we are both in our middle 30s.  This seemed to be okay with the both of us but on our wedding night, my husband was too frigid to touch me.  He had drank entirely too much alcohol at the wedding reception so by the time we got home, he fell asleep.

Even an intimate kiss would be enough for me now.  I dream of a man who loves me so much he stares at me from across the room, who can’t wait to get his hands on me even if it’s just for a second.  Unfortunately, that’s not my marriage.  Every night since our wedding night, he still refuses to touch me and I am at loss for words.  What can I do?  Untouched in the Midwest

Dear Untouched:

Face it six months is not a very long time to get to know someone.  Despite what the world portrays, there are no storybook weddings in life, however, marriages are about intimacy.  

But what you also need to remember is that many men are not affectionate and don’t enjoy kissing, hugging, snuggling, and other things that women really need as part of their marriage vows.  No matter what you do, that will not change and it can cause couples to stray away from each other.

Of course you deserve happiness.  You deserve to be with that man that everytime he walks in the room, your heart melts.  But nothing will change until you start asking questions and demand answers.

You need to sit down and have a good conversation with your husband.  Something is definitely going on there and as a couple you both need to get to the bottom of it together.

You also need to face facts.  Many men with high pressured jobs might have issues in the bedroom.  And the fact that he drank alcohol your wedding night could have kept him from performing.  Alcohol and his diet will also be reasons to keep him from performing in the future. 

Over 40% of men today ages 40 and over are impotent so your husband may be impotent, gay or so hooked on cyber porn that there is nothing left for you.  But you should make it your business to find out.  If your marriage was never consummated, you may be entitled to an annulment, otherwise, get to the bottom of his issues or even work with a professional.